My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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