just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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