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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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