Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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