Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
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Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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