Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Pants are for mortals
Randomize
