drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
