I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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