Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
should my penis look like a turkey
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
