so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
