She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
