Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
