woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
