is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
