If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Sober January is a disaster.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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