threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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