ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
