True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
