Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
