so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
my sisters under your porch take her home
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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