i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
