She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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