Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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