It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize