I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
