I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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