1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
