Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
