hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
