so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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