drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
