It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Oh god it's open bar.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
