Tell her she can't have a vagina
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
