you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
