hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
