benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
