I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
