jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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