I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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