I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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