Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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