Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I did not marry a roomba.
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