I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
