The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
