I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
