im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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