Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
Randomize
