her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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