oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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