Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
