If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Sorry about my life...
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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