Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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